In today’s polarized political climate, it’s common for couples to have differing opinions on politics. Whether it’s about policies, candidates, or party affiliation, these differences can create tension and emotional distance in a relationship if not handled with care.
In some cases, one partner might be more knowledgeable and passionate about politics than the other, which can add an extra layer of complexity to the conversation. Learning how to calmly discuss politics is crucial to maintaining respect and intimacy. In this post, I’ll share strategies on how to navigate these challenging conversations and a hypothetical story that highlights the emotional impact of negative communication patterns.
1. Start with Respect and Curiosity
When discussing politics with your partner, respect and curiosity are key—especially if one of you has more political knowledge. Rather than trying to change each other’s mind, focus on understanding each other’s point of view. Asking each other questions like “Tell me more about why you feel that way” or “I’d like to hear your perspective” can help foster an environment of mutual respect. Once your partner tells you more about why they feel a certain way and you feel differently do not yell at them and say they are wrong. Acknowledging your partner’s right to their opinions is essential for keeping the dialogue respectful even if you disagree.
If you’re the more knowledgeable partner, remember that your role isn’t to “teach” or lecture your partner, but to foster mutual understanding. Stay open to hearing their perspective, even if it’s less detailed or based on different criteria.
2. Set Boundaries and Timing
Politics is a sensitive subject, and emotions can run high. It’s essential to set boundaries to prevent conversations from spiraling into arguments. If one of you is not in the mood to discuss politics for whatever reason, respect each other’s boundary and agree to discuss it at another time. Avoid discussing hot-button political issues when one or both of you are stressed, tired or distracted. Schedule a time when you can both be calm and focused, and agree to pause the conversation if it starts to get too heated.
If you’re the more politically informed partner, resist the temptation to dominate the conversation or belittle your partner’s views, even if they seem less informed. Establish boundaries that create a safe space for both of you, such as no interrupting, no name-calling, no yelling, no personal attacks and not making assumptions about each other’s intelligence or motivations. This can also help keep conversations productive and amicable. When one of you has had enough of the political discussion end the conversation respectfully.
3. Validate Emotions, Not Just Ideas
Even if one of you is more knowledgeable about politics, that doesn’t mean the other partner’s emotions are any less valid. People may choose their candidate based on policies and others may choose their candidate based on deeply held values and beliefs. It’s important to validate those feelings in your partner no matter what their reason is for their choice. Statements like, “I understand why this issue feels important to you” or “I see how this affects you emotionally” can help bridge the gap between differing viewpoints.
If you’re the less knowledgeable partner, it’s okay to express how certain political discussions make you feel. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed when we talk about this because I don’t know as much as you do,” is an honest way to communicate your emotions without shutting down the conversation.
4. Avoid Power Imbalances in the Conversation
When one partner knows more about politics than the other, it’s easy for a power imbalance to emerge. The more informed partner might dominate the conversation, unintentionally (or intentionally) using their knowledge to belittle or dismiss the other’s opinions. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, frustration, or resentment.
To avoid this, make sure both partners have equal time to share their views. The more knowledgeable partner should aim to explain their points without talking down to their partner. Using a collaborative tone, such as “I understand why this might be confusing” or “let me explain why this issue is important to me,” can help balance the conversation and prevent it from becoming one-sided.
5. Agree to Disagree
Not every political conversation will lead to agreement, and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, agreeing to disagree can be a healthy way to maintain respect and emotional connection. The goal isn’t to win the argument or change your partner’s mind but to understand where they are coming from.
If you’re the more informed partner, it’s important to recognize that your knowledge doesn’t invalidate your partner’s perspective. Sometimes, acknowledging that you don’t see eye to eye and moving on from the conversation is the best course of action. Agreeing to disagree shows that your relationship is more important than political alignment.
A Hypothetical Story: The Impact of Knowledge and Power in Political Conversations
Let’s imagine a married couple, Sarah and Tom, who are preparing for the upcoming election. Tom follows political news closely and has a deep understanding of policy details. Sarah tries to make it a point to know what’s going on in the world but she just isn’t as passionate about politics as her husband. She feels that discussing politics brings out the worst in people and would much rather discuss something that highlights the good.
Tom supports Donald Trump because of his policies on the economy and national security. Although Sarah agrees with some of Trump’s policies she has difficulty supporting a man whose morals and character don’t align with hers.
One evening, as they discuss the candidates, Tom becomes agitated. Even though Sarah didn’t say who she is voting for Tom thinks she is going to vote for Kamala Harris. He says to her, “I can’t believe you’re even considering voting for Harris just because she is ‘nicer.’ That’s ridiculous! It’s not about who’s a nicer person—it’s about policies that actually affect us, not personality. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
As the conversation escalates, Tom’s voice rises and he begins to yell, belittling Sarah’s opinions, saying things like, “If you don’t vote for Trump, I’m not sure I can stay with someone who doesn’t care about our future.” His harsh words make Sarah feel anxious, judged, and fearful. She feels like her lack of political knowledge is being used against her and that Tom sees her as intellectually inferior. Worse, she now feels pressured—like her vote is a test of their marriage. The thought that Tom could leave her over this weighs heavily on her heart.
Sarah shuts down, feeling dismissed and deeply hurt. What started as a conversation about politics has turned into a personal attack. She feels like her opinion doesn’t matter, and now, the discussion isn’t just about the election—it’s about her fear of losing her marriage if she doesn’t align with Tom’s views.
The next day, Tom realizes his outburst wasn’t productive and apologizes. He admits that his frustration came from fear about the future and that he didn’t mean to belittle Sarah. Through calm discussion, they both agree that while their political views on certain issues may differ, they need to respect each other’s right to vote as they see fit and not let it undermine their relationship. He apologizes for belittling her, and they both agree to communicate more respectfully moving forward, understanding that political knowledge doesn’t make one partner’s views superior.
6. Focus on What Really Matters
At the end of the day, political views are just one aspect of your relationship., Whether one of you is more knowledgeable about politics or you have different opinions, the foundation of your relationship should be built on love, respect, and understanding. When political conversations become too intense, step back and remind yourself that your relationship is more valuable than political alignment.
Don’t let the outside world impact and degrade your relationship. People that run the country should not affect your day to day happiness with your partner. What will affect your happiness with your partner is when your partner belittles you, judges you and attacks you for your political beliefs. Keeping your connection strong is far more important than who you vote for.
Conclusion
Politics can be a deeply emotional topic, but it doesn’t have to divide your relationship. Remember that having more knowledge about politics doesn’t entitle anyone to dismiss their partner’s opinions. By approaching discussions with curiosity, respect, and empathy, couples can navigate political differences without damaging their connection. Remember that your relationship is about more than politics, and keeping communication respectful and calm is key to long-term success.
If political discussions are creating tension in your relationship, Modern Family Counseling can help. Reach out to us for support in navigating political differences while maintaining respect and love.
Contact
Risa Simpson-Davis, LCSW
Owner/Clinical Director at Modern Family Counseling, LLC
(732)742-0329
[email protected]
modernfamilycounseling.org