Therapy in Chester, NJ
When you’re going through a divorce, are recently divorced, or have been divorced for quite a while, there will always be people telling you to get back into the dating game because “it’s time,” or “you’ll feel better.” If you’re considering following their advice, you have probably figured out that starting to date after having been married and divorced isn’t always a smooth transition and it can understandably cause some anxiety. Here are some of my suggestions for approaching the thought of dating post-divorce.
First and foremost, don’t let anyone pressure you into dating when you’re not ready or not yet interested! You just ended a long-term relationship, so it is 100% okay to take as much time as you need for closure and alone time. Plus, it might be a good idea to spend some time getting to know yourself as the newly single and independent adult that you now are. Take up a new hobby or get back into an old but forgotten one, focus on advancing in your career, rekindle friendships, or bond with your children.
When you’ve decided that you’re ready to date, determine your intentions…are you looking to casually date for social purposes, or are you seeking out a long-term partner? These questions are important to ask your dates as well. And speaking of asking your dates questions, you may want to get everything out on the table and discuss where you both are in the divorce process (separated, just recently filed, 2 months or years divorced). Being open and honest with yourself and with your date from the beginning will build a strong foundation for any possible future relationship and will prevent serious miscommunication.
If you have children, consider what and when you’re going to tell them about your new dating life. When will they be introduced to the person you’re dating and how much time will they spend together? If you’re dating casually, you may not want your children feeling like people are constantly come in and out of their lives, and they may not be ready to accept that Mom and Dad are really not getting back together. If your children are older, you may feel more comfortable being fully honest with them about your dating life.
Come to terms with the fact that going on dates is going to be nerve-wracking at first…you’ve been out of the dating game for a while now and you haven’t had to really impress or flirt with anyone so it may feel uncomfortable. Once you get your feet wet, it will only become easier for you to get back in the groove of things. It’s okay to be nervous! And think, how exciting is it to have butterflies in your stomach again?!
When it comes to how to handle the actual date, my suggestions begin with preparing for the night. Get yourself a nice, new outfit that makes you feel confident and comfortable…you don’t want to be wearing the same dress you wore to your ex-husbands 40th birthday party and have those memories in your head all night. You also don’t want to feel self-conscious or constantly be adjusting the strap that’s slightly too big or too small. When you look and feel good, you’ll be more relaxed and ready to enjoy your night.
Try to come ready with stories and hobbies to talk about that don’t revolve around your ex. Your date wants to get to know the new, single you, so seek to highlight things such as what you like to do with your children on the weekends, a funny story from a girls’ weekend, or any interesting facts about you. If this is anxiety provoking for you, rest assured that people love to talk about themselves, so you can ask your date a bunch of questions to take the pressure off of you for a little while.
If you don’t think you’re quite ready for a romantic dinner for two, plan your date around an activity that will exemplify your fun nature and will keep the attention on the activity rather than on too personal of a conversation. Some activity ideas that are likely to lighten up a first date are miniature golf, seeing a movie, taking a cooking or painting class, or going to an art museum. Essentially, you’d want to plan an activity that will have you laughing and enjoying the event rather than staring into one another’s eyes.
Keep in mind that everyone will react differently to divorce, so your family and friends’ advice may or may not fall into your comfort zone, and you should always follow your gut and do what you feel is best for you.
If you are having difficulty navigating a divorce or dating post-divorce, I am here to help!
Contact
Risa Simpson-Davis, LCSW
732-742-0329
[email protected]
www.risasimpsondavis.com